it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
