I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
