He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
one might say we're banned from that church
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
