My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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