I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize