There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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