At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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