My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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