I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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