I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
don't judge my taste in strippers
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
