Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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