I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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