I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
