I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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