I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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