happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize