my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Randomize
