They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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