Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
