My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
