this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
home. puking in laundry basket.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Enjoy the penises
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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