Taylor Swift is so right about you.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
