Say something about gay babies.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
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