Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
