so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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