If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Randomize
