Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
