Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
