im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize