You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
