so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
