Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
