I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
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