I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize