Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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