How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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