dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
