I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
