It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
