There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
