Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
