I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize