I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
