True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
my liver is dry heaving
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
