My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm always down for nudity.
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