I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
