I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
