Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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