I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
