tell your sister to shave her snatch
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
