your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
