I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
