Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
