i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I could fuck to npr.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
