I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
