Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
