Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Boobs are out for the taking
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
