Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
