I need to stop coming to work sober
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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