The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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