Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
