She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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