If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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