3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize