R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
